I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
