How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
