Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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