apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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