I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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