if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
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