Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
