I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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