You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
