i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I woke up under a house in Key West
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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