The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
