I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
