So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
