Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
