I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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