i permit you to call me
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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