I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
