I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Randomize