I looked at my own cervix.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
