she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
