My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
