did you get engaged???
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
