how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
