Cold hands, warm shart.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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