I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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