my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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