Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Who died my cat blue again?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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