let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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