You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
