Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
