I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
