If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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