the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
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What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize