i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
