mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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