i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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