I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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