I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You ate ashes out of my bong
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
