in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
