he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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