i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize