Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
