im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
