I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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