You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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