my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
