my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
