And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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