if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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