Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
