Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
