He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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