I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
