I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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