I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
