Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
FUCK WHALES
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
