But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
