I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i drank out of a bidet.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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